This Process Sucks

I’m exhausted of the “We know something is wrong with you, but we don’t really know what, yet.” Its like its in the positioning handbook for Physicians. “Lets make them feel validated but not hopeful for a resolution.” Ugh!

I am thankful that I have a team working to help find whatever it is thats wrong with me, but this process really does suck.

I went to yet another specialist this morning. This time, it was an endocrinologist. The PA was super nice. She spoke with my Oncologist and so she was somewhat familiar with my situation before my arrival. She reviewed my records, my most recent labs and my MRI results and I got the standard  “Hmmm….” and “Oh Wow!” and occasionally a “Huh?” all while I sat there staring at her staring at the computer.

They still don’t know whats causing this rapid weight gain or the pain all around my body. But she ordered more tests to help rule out this disorder or that syndrome.

 

Anyway, I feel like this is what my life has come to. Tests, wait. Tests, wait. And it’s exhausting. Oh well, what more can I do but wait for the results of this new round of testing.

That wasn’t so hard!

I can’t imagine that anyone LIKES to talk about mental health. I know for sure, I don’t. It was so hard for me to even tell King (my husband) that I needed help.

I had just found out that I might have cancer and I was angry. I was lashing out at everyone. I found myself with a very short fuse and I couldn’t control my emotions. Between my 1 year old doing normal stuff that 1 year olds do, and King not moving on MY timeline, I had been increasingly testy. Every little thing that didn’t go the way I wanted it to made me angry and I would go off for the most trivial of things. I was getting frustrated with myself because after a few minutes of reflection, I realized how irrational I had become. I apologized of course. But no one really ever forgets what you say when you are mad. That’s when I realized that I needed help. It took me a while but eventually, I took the first step and asked for it. King was so supportive that he actually called and got an appointment with my PCP scheduled for me.

Fast forward to today. I met with my PCP. I was nervous the entire drive–picking at my fingernails the whole 7 min wait, and shaking my leg while I waited for my doctor to enter the room.

How was I going to tell him something was wrong.

Am I bipolar? Is that what I tell him I need help for?

What kind of questions is he going to ask me?

I don’t want to be medicated.

I don’t even know how to describe how I feel!

 

Maybe I am lucky to have seen the doc I did, but this was the easiest consult ever. He validated my feelings. He asked the right questions. He asked me what I needed. He told me it was Okay and that WE would come up with a plan.

I walked out of there confident that my healthcare team is on my side.

 

All that was to say, if you need help, ask for it. It is available. It’s Okay. And there is nothing wrong by doing so. Oh and, it’s really easy to have the conversation once you start it.

 

Today is the First Day…..

…Of the rest of my life.

I tell myself this EVERY morning. And I will continue to do so until I get it right. Every day, I make mistakes. There are days I don’t follow my meal plan or I don’t work out. Maybe I allow my anger to get the best of me or I say things that aren’t productive and I let my feelings take control, etc. I mean, my list goes on because I am the least perfect person I know.

This is clearly going to be a long and painful journey. I swore I was going to work out every day. On alternating days I would run using the Couch to 5K App, and on the other days I would be using DDP Yoga. I have literally, only worked out 3 times since April 1. I am fairly disappointed in myself, to say the least. I was supposed to cut out all added sugars and last night, I had 2 glasses of Red Robin‘s Poppin Purple Lemonade. And on top of that, even though he does everything in the world for our family, I fussed at my husband over something trivial that he does to de-stress.

But, everyday is a new day and I have another chance to do better. And today, I am doing better.

 

So far today…….

I apologized for a mistake. I jog/walked a mile. I drank only water. I portion controlled my meals. Today has been a good day…so far. LOL

 

A little Background…

You know now who I am today but let me tell you a bit about how I got here. Now, normally when I tell people my “testimonies” I get a ton of pity or sympathy or “OH MY GOD’S.” Let me please preface this with…I DO NOT WANT ANY OF THAT!

What I have been through, all my stories, all of my scars…they all made me who I am today. And although I am going through quite a few transitions right now, I overall like who I am and am thankful for my past trials and tribulations. So, although you may learn full stories later on through future entries, here is simply a list of the adversities I have overcome. Please note that my blessing far surpass my misfortunes.

Rape Victim

Domestic Violence Survivor

Cancer Survivor

Hit by a Car

Loss of a child

Infertility

Loss of loved ones

 

……..

Looks like a lot right? Well it is, but I am still here, and in order to make sure that I don’t go anywhere soon, I am going to control what I can. From all of the medications, I have gained a lot of weight. I am the largest I have ever been, including when I was 9 months pregnant. Through all of these situations, I also took a hit mentally with each of them to the point now, where I know I am no longer mentally healthy. I have resentment and anger. I have sadness and grief. And although I have always had the ability to push all of those feelings and thoughts deep down and function highly, I am starting to see the long term effects of not allowing myself to fully heal from any of the above situations.

Its time to heal….